Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:06] Speaker B: Hey there, everybody, and thank you very much for tuning in to your best you real conversations on Mental wellness brought to you by MHA of Dutchess county and brought to you in part by the Northern and Southern Dutchess Community Coalitions. We greatly appreciate you being here today, hope that you are doing well. And we're excited to share a very important story today with us. We have Regina Rivers with the Children's Health Homes Department here at Mental Health America. And we're going to be getting into a lot of topics such as domestic violence, children's mental health. Regina's going to be sharing her own story. She even brought her book. We'll be talking about that, her own art. She's also a spoken word poet. I'm sure we'll be getting into all that stuff because those are the things that make her her best self. So, Regina, thank you so much for being here today.
[00:00:46] Speaker A: Thank you for having me, Connor. I appreciate it.
[00:00:48] Speaker B: Absolutely. So one thing that I always like getting out of the way is kind of giving an overview of what one does or the departments that we're all in. And you're working with children, Children's health here at mha. So could you give like, a little brief overview for everybody watching and listening right now?
[00:01:04] Speaker A: What don't we do? Is the question.
[00:01:06] Speaker B: That's great.
[00:01:06] Speaker A: I feel like we are constantly, like, bypassing each other in and out. But I like to think of my role as a care manager, as a mediator, between the school, the therapist, the doctors, when it comes to, like, court stuff. I'm not a lawyer. Sometimes I wish I was.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: I feel you.
[00:01:20] Speaker A: But the most I can do is just give accompaniment and support to the families who have to deal with certain situations.
[00:01:27] Speaker B: No, that makes absolute sense. And one of the things that I always find about, like, having to work with children, especially in these sensitive circumstances like this, it's tough. Well, when you have somebody who's 18 plus, they're considered an adult and they can sign off on things themselves. They can do certain things themselves. When you have children, you have to worry about the guardianship. You have to worry about certain things of, like, what can I do? What can't you do? And there's probably a lot of red tape that even people out there wouldn't be thinking about. Right.
[00:01:53] Speaker A: Oh, it's so sticky. It's so sticky. And especially, like, even whether the child's, the young adult is over 18 or not, whatever challenges that they're dealing with, they may not, they might not be able to appropriately developmentally express what they want.
[00:02:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:02:05] Speaker A: You know, I remember I had a child at a previous job who ran around the room and kicked me and threw crayons at me because she wanted some eggs and sausage. And I was not in the kitchen, I was in my playroom. So she couldn't say, I'm hungry. She threw crayons to express that she was hungry.
[00:02:19] Speaker B: Yeah, but it's tough. You don't know in those situations. It's just a matter of kind of working with them to establish that kind of vocabulary and emotional maturity. But it doesn't happen overnight.
And it doesn't even have to be in a case where, you know, children dealing with severe trauma or domestic abuse, that's just children anywhere, helping them out to guide them to have.
Have those skills and those tools so when they get into adulthood or just growing up in general, be able to do all that.
I mentioned off camera how I worked at summer camp for 12 years. And one of the biggest challenges for me, mind you, I was 15 when I started, so I was still a kid too.
[00:02:58] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:02:58] Speaker B: Working with kids, kid working with kids. And one of the craziest things that myself and my peers had to take care of was there would be children with special needs. And here we are, 15, 16 year olds. We don't have any formal training. Figuring it out as we go along. Some of us became really good at it and we found ways to help. Others weren't. And that's just something that I Wish As a 15, 16 year old, I had a stronger tool belt and vocabulary for.
[00:03:25] Speaker A: Yeah. Especially doing something, doing a role like that. And I've been babysitting since I was like 12 or 13. A lot of is trial and error.
[00:03:34] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:34] Speaker A: That's the best way I can explain it. There's no formula, there's no manual. You just try trial and error for everything. You want pizza? Oh, you don't like pizza? Okay, how about chicken nuggets? Okay, you don't like chicken nuggets? French fries. French fries is the one that works.
[00:03:45] Speaker B: Yep. Absolutely.
[00:03:46] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:03:47] Speaker B: Yeah. And individualizing as well. One of the things that I learned was when I was working with those kids, I would just. You couldn't like, just address the whole group, like you had to pull them aside. It was like, hey, what's up? You good?
What's happening here? And you know, sometimes you had better luck than others, but when you establish that rapport over time, you know, it helped out at least. And again, I was just a camp counselor. Here you are doing something much, much deeper here. So let's talk about children's mental health. One of the big topics that I see talked about a lot today on news online, all that is the that social media and the overall landscape is impacting everybody's not just children, but they're developing right now their mental health. So when we're looking at this landscape right now, where do you see things with children's development compared to like say 10, 20, 30 years ago?
[00:04:37] Speaker A: Lord have mercy.
So when I learned that screen separation anxiety disorder was added in the DSM 5, I said, watch out there. Now. Are we really in this time where kids get mad if you take away a tablet? I mean, I'm an 80s, 80s made, 90s raised. I grew up on PBS, Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, Disney, all the things same. So like when kids talk to me about Bluey and they talk to me about Ms. Rachel, I'm like, I know Blue and Steve from Blue's Clues.
Like that's my era.
I. But I do see the, the positives. I do see the pros of having that tablet, that screen for a second. Oh yeah, mom gets home from work, she's rushing to cook dinner here, watch a cartoon while mommy cooks. That gives her time to focus on feeding the family, making sure the husband comes home and he's chill or vice versa if the father's at home, you know, making sure that, that everyone's taken care of and well accounted for. But also it's when you become dependent and you rely on it constantly that when it's time to say, okay, give me the tablet back, that's when the tantrum starts. That's when the, you know, the back talk to throwing things happens. And again, kind of like with trauma, don't mean to veer off for a second.
[00:05:44] Speaker B: Don't go right.
[00:05:45] Speaker A: But when a child is exposed to trauma, there is a neurological disruption in their developments where they have to figure out what happened, why it happened and how they can fix it so it doesn't happen again. Yeah, so the same thing with the screens, the tablets, all the games, especially in Minecraft. And I'll be honest, sometimes I let my kids play Minecraft like 15, 20 minutes. But that allows them to create their reality. Who can come into their farm? Who's not allowed? Are they going to have lettuce or are they going to have the cows for dinner? They get to pick and choose how they want their world to operate because they can't, they can't control the world outside of them. So it definitely has its pros and it has their cons. But trying to Figure out where to level off and put the boundary.
That's a. That's a. That's still pending. That's a to be continued conversation.
[00:06:28] Speaker B: Oh, naturally. It's one of those things where it's very individualized and it's.
It's a slippery slope. Any kind of dependency on just about anything. It doesn't have to be just a screen. But that's one of the easiest dependencies to pick up these days because everybody has it.
Anything in moderation. But that's the slope that we're going on these days. So I don't feel like you got off the topic at all when you talked about the trauma. If anything, I think you're just enforcing it. Can we talk about that a little bit more? You're dealing with children that are experiencing all different types and levels of trauma. And it must be heartbreaking what you see in this job. Could you. I don't even know where specifically to go from here, but just as a general question, like, what are some of the things that you see on a day to day, week to week basis?
[00:07:15] Speaker A: Bullying. Never ending.
[00:07:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:19] Speaker A: Children have to go to school with this trauma.
Whether it's the lights are cut off again, whether it's. I have. I used to work with kids at my old job, actually, that refused to go to school because they want to make sure that mommy was safe because daddy was beating her and slapping her. Sometimes the kids would get beaten up and beaten down, verbally accosted to levels I can't even understand.
Then you have the financial struggle, the cost of it sometimes substance misuse, all the things.
[00:07:49] Speaker B: Yeah. You really see the gambit with it all then.
[00:07:52] Speaker A: I've seen it, I've heard it. Unfortunately, I lived it in my adulthood. I didn't experience it when I was a child.
[00:07:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:57] Speaker A: But I've been. I'm one of those.
I'm one of those different ones. I could say I've been studying domestic violence since I was 10 years old. I knew it was wrong because I remember thinking, mommy.
So when God made the man and woman and he said the two flesh become one, if a man slaps his wife, he's slapping himself because he doesn't love himself, so he doesn't love his wife. That doesn't make sense.
[00:08:20] Speaker B: You were saying that and thinking that when you were 10.
[00:08:22] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:08:22] Speaker B: That is profound.
[00:08:23] Speaker A: My mama asked me, are you adopted?
Because my mind was all the way out there.
[00:08:29] Speaker B: That's a craver response, though.
That's funny. But that's really profound that you were thinking about that at that age, a lot of 10 year olds don't have necessarily the awareness or perspective of something like that. So it was really in your DNA, it was in your blood from a very early age to go into this kind of field and this kind of topic.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: Connor, I did a. I did a presentation on this, okay, in fifth grade. And you know, mind you, it was in the 90s, baby, so it was 1998. You know the Kool Aid man. R B music. That's what people were talking about. Yes, yes. No, this one, my one piece here. He did this presentation. It was like a bar graph situation, okay? Which, like, what was the favorite. What was the favorite, most popular Kool Aid flavor in his apartment complex? And he had the bar graph, he had the little packets. And I'm like, that is so dope.
[00:09:15] Speaker B: I like that.
[00:09:16] Speaker A: And then you have me.
I walk up with my teddy bear, a picture of a phone, because I didn't have a Zack Moore cell phone. And I say, zack Morris. You know, you know, the big joints.
[00:09:27] Speaker B: I had an Okia brick. That was my very first one.
It's still alive. It's indestructible. It will it past the nuclear.
Nuclear decimation of the world. It will still survive.
[00:09:38] Speaker A: I can't even.
[00:09:40] Speaker B: Sorry to cut you off, but yes, you. You came in with the Zack Morris cell phone and the teddy bear, the picture.
[00:09:45] Speaker A: And then I had my little bar graph. And my first sentence was something along the lines of 55% of homicides are linked to marriages dealing with domestic violence.
And all my teachers were like, what'd you just say?
[00:09:59] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:09:59] Speaker A: I went along with my. With my spiel. I showed the teddy bear, which represented a child wanting to be safe. I showed the phone to represent dial 911, had my little bar graph. Everybody clapped for me. It was dark, but everybody clapped for me. And I got a good grade. But when my teacher said, Ms. Rivers, is everything okay?
[00:10:15] Speaker B: Yeah, I'm not surprised that that was a question.
[00:10:16] Speaker A: I saw the paper coat go by. I said, oh, my God, they're gonna call 100 charter. You know, I'm like, no, my mom and dad, they don't. They're not doing that. I wanna fix the world. I wanna get rid of domestic violence. I've always been that kid. And I'm not apologizing for.
[00:10:29] Speaker B: No, you shouldn't. And that's such a beautiful thing. That's incredible at such a young age that you were discovering that about yourself in the world around you. That's some deep stuff to be taking on as a kid. But that's also wonderful. Yeah, yeah.
[00:10:40] Speaker A: I still can't believe it myself sometimes.
[00:10:42] Speaker B: It's fantastic though. Makes for great stories and thank you for sharing here. That, that is, that's terrific actually. And that just goes to show that you are the correct kind of advocate to be there for these children and the families. So one thing that I want to ask is one of the biggest things that we want to do with this show as a whole is to take away some of the stigma and demystify what some of these programs do. You know, a lot of people hear the MHA radio commercials, but they may not knew that know the minutiae that goes into everything. So whether it's a family that needs your services or just any layperson out there in general, what are some misconceptions that you feel that the public has around your department in general?
[00:11:23] Speaker A: Oh, my department, I haven't heard much of anything. They're just surprised that we have a care manager department for the one for one thing. Another actually I take that back. One of the misconceptions is that we're clinical.
I tell them I'm a non clinical care manager. I connect them with mental health provider and I collaborate with them to ensure that services are happening.
But for the most part, when I say, when I hear people, when I tell people I work for MHA generally, I've heard all you work with the crazy folks and I'm like, cut that out. Yeah, cut that out. It's, it's not even that. It's deeper. We're talking about, you know, there's veteran services, we have children's health homes, we have family peer support services, the casa. I think CASA was one of the first programs I heard of of MHA way back when court appointed special advocates.
The housing, the supportive housing programs. I didn't know about that until like a year after. I was doing all types of research. But you really have to be in the thick of it to learn what's going on in your departments.
[00:12:20] Speaker B: Absolutely. There's going to be things that I'm going to be learning until my very, very last day here, which hopefully is a very long time from now. I'm very grateful to be here. I haven't asked you, how long have you been with MHA now?
[00:12:33] Speaker A: Four and a half years.
[00:12:34] Speaker B: Four and a half years. Awesome. That's beautiful. So now let's kind of talk about like the domestic violence side of things.
We were talking about this before we officially started, but the variety of domestic violence and domestic Abuse. If you wouldn't mind kind of exploring, explaining and breaking down what certain types are and what certain types are out there that some people may not readily think of when they think of those terms.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: We do got 30 minutes, right?
[00:13:02] Speaker B: We got as much time as you need. We got as much time as you need.
[00:13:05] Speaker A: Because I can go on for weeks.
[00:13:06] Speaker B: Yeah, get your sipping. Get ready, get ready.
[00:13:10] Speaker A: So the common one again is the physical, the black eye, the bruises, the hair pulling, the looking disheveled.
The spiritual is one of the things that comes up to me most because I've seen and I've heard it done. It was actually done to me a couple of times.
I'm trying to think of a most appropriate example. So you know how in the Bible it says that the husband is the head of the household. You will have a man who is spiritually, spiritually infantile as well as. As well as emotionally dysregulated.
[00:13:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:43] Speaker A: You know, mistreating his wife, mistreating the kids, messing up the house, and then have the nerve to sit there with his bad self and say, the Bible says I'm head of the household. So he's using the Bible to justify his mistreatment of his wife and his family.
[00:13:54] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:56] Speaker A: Yeah, I can go for hours on that one.
The emotional. The emotional, verbal, mental and psychological, they kind of intertwined because the verbal, you know, the name calling, the insults, the cursing at one another.
But gaslighting, which is pretty much distorting one's reality.
[00:14:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:12] Speaker A: Crazy making, causing confusion, twisting their words. Word salads is used a lot in the narcissism world.
Learning about narcissistic education.
Excuse me.
Pretty much anything to make the.
Make the target or. Yeah. The targeted one. Doubt their own reality.
Like say, for example, this. This has not happened. This is actually. This is just an example. Say if you and I were in a relationship and you called me stupid.
[00:14:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:39] Speaker A: And I'm angry with you. And you're like, sweetie, why are you mad? You called me stupid. You say, I never said that.
Now my brain is like, he. He definitely said it. I'm not crazy. I'm not. That happens so much.
[00:14:49] Speaker B: It does.
[00:14:50] Speaker A: And it's insidious. I've had people call it.
Well, actually I call it psychological terrorism.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:14:55] Speaker A: You know, because they are doing any and everything to make you doubt yourself. It wears away at your self esteem, Economic and financial abuse and exploitation. That's not talked about, but it's coming to the forefront. Live. Survived it.
I guess I'll try and share a bit of my Example, I was with somebody that I cared about, and, you know, I was helping them out with their. With their career. You know, bought them some things and went on the video shoots, took pictures, photos, things like that.
Long story short, he thought that I did nothing to help his career, but I was footing the bill for easy pass and the gas and food at certain times. So when I see how much I owe and I'm like, bro, you said you'd help me. Help me out. You know, I'm saving for my apartment. You know, I gotta buy a car. You know, it's from my. Correct. Get out of my face. Yeah, you use me. I get it. Get out of my face. But also, there's the masking. They don't talk about the masking. Narcissists are image management consultants. They want to make themselves look good for other people.
[00:15:49] Speaker B: Image. Hold on. Image management consultants.
[00:15:52] Speaker A: Yes, sir.
[00:15:53] Speaker B: I like that. All right, continue. Sorry. I just want. Wow. Okay.
[00:15:56] Speaker A: They make themselves look good outside of the relationship. They want to. They want to be seen as the nice guy, the charmer, the one that everyone gets to know and love. But behind closed doors, when he's with that woman, or whoever, his partner, whomever he's with, his supply, he's nasty. He's nasty. Pardon me, disrespectful. That ugly mask comes off, that cute face that you once adored. You see the ugly spirit behind it.
[00:16:17] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:17] Speaker A: And the more that he mistreats her behind closed doors, when they get out in public and she's crying, she's not feeling safe. Oh, she had a rough night's sleep. Don't worry about her. She just needs some Tylenol and some tea.
[00:16:29] Speaker B: And that's manipulation right there. That is, without a doubt, manipulation.
[00:16:33] Speaker A: But then, mind you, this happened to me. No kids.
No kids.
[00:16:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:39] Speaker A: When I see it happen to a woman who has children and the child is witnessing this, and this is what people fail to understand. When I hear someone say, domestic violence doesn't impact kids, I just wanna. Are you high?
You must be high. Tell me you're high. But when a child is witnessing abuse of their other parents.
[00:16:59] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:59] Speaker A: Again, neurological disruption. Mommy and Daddy are supposed to love each other. Why is Daddy being so mean to Mom? That's not right. I don't feel like. I don't want to watch this. I have to protect Mom. But if Daddy hits Mom, Daddy's gonna hit me, so then we'll both be hurt. And I can't protect my mom anymore. What am I gonna do? I'm gonna side with that. Because if I side with that, I protect mom because she won't get hurt. But Mommy's gonna feel sad because I'm going with my. With dad and not her.
[00:17:21] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:22] Speaker A: And Mommy's taking care of me.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:23] Speaker A: No one wants to think about those things.
[00:17:25] Speaker B: And it. But it's very true reality. Not just that, because that. That's 100% true. Another reality that I've seen is the distortion of the concept of love, where instead of recognizing it as.
Instead of recognizing that it is bad, they're just like, oh, that's love. That's what love is. Because they don't know any other form. They're just like, oh, that's my parents. And they, quote, unquote, love each other. So that's how I would love someone.
[00:17:51] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:17:52] Speaker B: And then they go out into the world and try to have friendships and relationships and romantic and. And then, unfortunately, it just continues the cycle until something can be broken or there is an awareness, unfortunately, we don't know what we don't know. And when that is the environment that we live in, unfortunately, that is what's going to get perpetuated.
[00:18:10] Speaker A: Absolutely. Could have said it better myself.
[00:18:12] Speaker B: Oh, you essentially did already. I'm just kind of going off on what you said. Yeah, no, I'm just really emphasizing it. You. Honestly, you're the expert here. There's one thing that I really want to talk about. You mentioned on the spiritual aspect of domestic violence.
It's a matter of control. You know, whatever religion out there, people can manipulate it for the sake of control. Have you ever seen the movie Heretics starring Hugh Grant?
[00:18:36] Speaker A: Love Hugh Grant. But no, I have not seen it.
[00:18:38] Speaker B: It is not like a typical Hugh Grant film. It is not a romantic comedy where he's suave in anything. He's the villain here.
[00:18:44] Speaker A: Oh, God.
[00:18:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:45] Speaker A: I don't know if I can watch it.
[00:18:46] Speaker B: No, it's. It's interesting, but it came out a couple of years ago, and the whole concept is really breaking down the foundations of religion, organized religion. And one of the biggest themes about it is control and how we manipulate control. I think somebody, you know in your field would actually really appreciate this. Forget that it's Hugh Grant on screen.
Just honestly, at one point, you will forget that it's Hugh Grant on screen, but I will say his suave and charisma makes the character portrayal even more chilling, because how many people out there, as you said, with narcissists, I would say this is. Hugh Grant played a narcissist, in this case, a very warped and twisted one. I won't give away some stuff about the film. It is a hard watch. I'm pretty sure it is rated R. So, like, it is a hard watch.
[00:19:35] Speaker A: Well, I'm of age.
[00:19:37] Speaker B: Yes, of course. I'm just saying anybody out there?
But it really highlights a lot of the things that you're saying so. Well, about what you have to look out for and have to be worried about with abusers and with these narcissists and really any case of masking.
Yeah.
[00:19:55] Speaker A: I'm trying to think of again, I'm trying to think of other examples.
[00:19:58] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:00] Speaker A: I've seen. I've seen and heard of men who use various religions. It could be Catholicism, it could be Muslim. Yeah. It could be Jehovah's Witnesses. It could be Orthodox. It could be anything.
[00:20:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:10] Speaker A: They will use that or people in that religion to say, oh, my wife needs to be corrected because of her behavior. She needs to learn how to be that. That proverb. Study one submissive wife. Yeah, but is he util. Is he utilizing those same.
The same people to help him with his. With his deficits? Yeah. Is he talking to the Roman Catholics? Is he talking to the Muslims? Is he talking to the Jehovah's Witnesses? Is he talking to the Orthodox to make himself a better man for his life?
[00:20:34] Speaker B: Probably not.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: That's where the gap lays.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:38] Speaker A: Just saying.
[00:20:39] Speaker B: Yeah. No, it's a matter of pick and choosing. There's a lot of people out there, whether they're considered domestic abusers or not. There are people who pick and choose what fits into their agenda, whether it's religion, politics, anything. They pick and choose what feels right to them and they latch onto it and that's what they push.
So it's a very dangerous and slippery slope. You've mentioned this already how you are a survivor of domestic abuse and you told a little bit of your story there. How do you feel like your background and your story plays into how you approach your clients?
[00:21:11] Speaker A: It's ironic because as I said, I've been studying domestic violence since I was 10 years old. And I tried very hard to make sure that I was not.
That I would not be a victim, that I would watch every movie, no matter how painful, I would take every course. I become DB advocate and I guess I had a Superman complex because I don't. Yeah, no woman should be hit or beaten down.
Anybody, actually. Because I know, I know domestic violence happens to men. It happens in same sex relationship as well. Nobody deserves to get beat down. Point blank, period.
But when I realized it was happening to me.
There was a case of denial. Yeah, I know this can't be me. I should know better. I should know better. I was taught better.
But I also had to look at my choices. Who I allowed into my life, who I chose to entertain, if you will, trying to play that. The good supportive friend, the good supportive girlfriend. And I got burned in the end.
[00:22:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:02] Speaker A: So that was the, the denial, the acknowledgment, you know, getting help for myself and coming out the fire.
[00:22:09] Speaker B: Yeah. Damn, it's tough. It's really tough line. Sorry. Love can be such a blinder at times. Yeah, it really can be. Because one of the, one of the dangerous things about love, and I'm not here to disregard love by any means. I want everybody to have healthy, happy relationships. But one thing that we have to consider when we're in these relationships is are you in love with the actual person or you idea of the thought of them that you constructed in their. In your head.
[00:22:37] Speaker A: Clock it. Kind of Clock it.
You got it.
[00:22:39] Speaker B: Yeah. And I've been there. I've absolutely been there. I've been into terrible relationships in my own right. And then I had a relationship after that where I was the terrible person, unfortunately. And then I had to come to terms with the fact that I had to unlearn all the things from the bad relationships. And you know, it wasn't a great.
That whole period, it was like a five, six year period that wasn't great. And I certainly learned a lot from that. I'm in a beautiful three and a half year relationship right now. And I don't think I would be nearly the man and partner that I am currently if I didn't have those experiences. I look back, were they tough? Yes. Do I ever want to go through them again? No.
But they taught me a lot about myself in relationships. Where I can come into my current relationship, hopefully my forever relationship, and be the best that I can be. Doesn't mean that I'm perfect. It just means that I can offer my best self.
[00:23:37] Speaker A: Yeah, absolutely. And here's the thing. Narcissists like to think or put out the idea that they're perfect. They're not. They are furthest, they are eons away from perfection.
[00:23:44] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:23:45] Speaker A: But nobody's perfect.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:46] Speaker A: Nobody was perfect with Jesus when he was on earth.
[00:23:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:48] Speaker A: And I'm not perfect. But I'm still trying and I'm still healing. You know, I just did it again. I'm sorry.
I'm still trying, I'm still healing and I'm. I'M still moving forward and growing like I learned my lesson. People that I used to have in my life are no longer in my life.
[00:24:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:07] Speaker A: And I'm doing that to save myself and protect my peace.
[00:24:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:10] Speaker A: Like I'm about to be 39 in a few days.
Really.
[00:24:13] Speaker B: Happy almost birthday.
[00:24:14] Speaker A: Oh, Rossi. I didn't. I didn't expect that. I just see another day, but thank you.
But what I'm not fitting to do is beg for affection from someone who is using me, from someone who doesn't. Why do I have to prove my value to myself or someone who doesn't see value in themselves?
And that's this. That's the secret right there. Narcissist. Narcissism is a shame based mindset.
[00:24:34] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:24:35] Speaker A: Whatever. My narcissist that came after me, whatever light I have in me, it exposed
[00:24:40] Speaker B: their insecurities, their darkness, showed a light on it.
[00:24:43] Speaker A: And I told them, you have Medicaid, find a therapist.
Get on some medication if you need to. If you want to go the holistic route, be my guest. I will support you. But what you're not going to do is break me down to pieces because you're falling apart. Yeah. That can't happen.
[00:24:57] Speaker B: No. And that's great that you were able to recognize that you were able to get away. You were able to cut those relationships, step away, and create a healthy environment for yourself. I think that's actually a really great segue into further discussion about children.
One of the tough things about children, they can't always cut or break away from certain things within their environment. You know, say it is a parent. Say it is somebody in their school. Say it is somewhere in their parish, community, neighbor, where, you know, a kid has a much harder time getting up and moving and cutting out people in their life compared to an adult.
[00:25:29] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:25:29] Speaker B: So in these cases, what is it that you see and what is it that you try to do to help remedy those situations?
[00:25:37] Speaker A: Acknowledging the reality that doesn't matter. If a kid is 4, 12, 16, they have mental health issues and they have trauma.
[00:25:43] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: Mental health challenges. I'm sorry. And they have trauma. So when I see it, among my young folks is the.
The peer pressure. The peer pressure exists. The desire to fit in and be accepted by their peers. That's what makes them stay in these sometimes unhealthy, toxic patterns.
And like right now, at 15, it's cool to be with the cutest guy in school, but if he's slapping you around, how's that going to impact you when you're 18? When you're 20.
[00:26:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
Yeah.
[00:26:08] Speaker A: And they're still developing, like again, the adolescent period, the hormones are all over the place. They're just banana pants crazy. But by the time they get to their. Their 25, 26, when that period is over and they're officially an adult. Adult. I know New York State says 18, but it's like 26 developmentally.
[00:26:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:26:24] Speaker A: How is that going to impact you going forward?
[00:26:26] Speaker B: Yeah, no, exactly. You never.
You never know unless you have the right guidance, you have the right people in your core, and you're in the right environment for it. You know, some people are much luckier than others, some people much unluckier than others, and it's difficult. But where there is some luck and there is some beauty is when people can get connected with people such as yourself to help turn things around. And you said yourself you're turning things around in your own life and you have a few ways of expressing that outlet. You brought with us today, your book. Would you like to speak about that a little bit?
[00:26:58] Speaker A: Yes. Shout out to Ms. Anna Johnson Myers. I don't even know.
I still don't know how this happened.
[00:27:04] Speaker B: All right.
[00:27:05] Speaker A: I don't know.
[00:27:05] Speaker B: Try to. Try to come to terms with it. Find the words for it. Right now.
[00:27:10] Speaker A: I was on the social medias just chilling and scrolling and doing my thing.
[00:27:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:13] Speaker A: And this woman put out a call for women who survived narcissistic abuse because domestic abuse and narcissism. Narcissistic abuse skyrocketed during COVID Not surprised. Which I knew I was an essential worker. So I knew, like I helped the kids with the school and it was a whole thing. But.
[00:27:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:28] Speaker A: So anyway, I shared my story with her about what I went through. And she said, I'm offering you the opportunity to be a part of this anthology.
I'm gonna give you some time to think about it.
I thought about it and I do remember that it was in February, like later February, because I lost my father around the. On the 24th. So it was around that time frame.
[00:27:45] Speaker B: So sorry.
[00:27:46] Speaker A: Thank you. So this happened when I was 13, but I was going through my little phase of, you know, my dad is not here, but I know he'd be proud of me. He's telling me I was giving myself positive self talk of what my dad would say.
And then I saw him.
He approached me and said, I just wanted to say hi. And in my mind I said, you buck tooth bow like a duck. It's always about what you want. It's never about me. You Want to say hi? I don't want to say hi, but I just looked at him. I'm sorry, Connor.
[00:28:11] Speaker B: I shouldn't be laughing. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But you're a great storyteller. This is very engaging.
[00:28:15] Speaker A: Thank you. I appreciate that. So I saw him and I was just like, go, I have to go to work. I dismissed him.
I emailed her that night. I'm in. Wow. And I worked on my story.
I was very angry, but I got through it. And that's the end of my chapter, which is called Chronic Emotional Recovery. It came out and within the week, it hit the bestsellers list on Amazon.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Wow. Wow. So that's pretty impactful.
Show it off to the camera. Show it off.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: Here's the book.
[00:28:45] Speaker B: And again, where can people find it? You said Amazon, right?
[00:28:47] Speaker A: Amazon. It's definitely on Amazon. I have some copies if you want to contact me. Can I share my social media handle?
[00:28:52] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:28:53] Speaker A: Okay.
[00:28:53] Speaker B: If you're willing. Yes.
[00:28:54] Speaker A: Rivers of Roars Productions on Instagram.
[00:28:56] Speaker B: All right. And we'll try to make sure that we have the links in the description of this episode so you don't have to really have to hunt for it. We'll have all the resources for you, so hopefully you can pick up the book and follow along online.
That's fantastic. Yeah, no, we don't.
We don't tell anybody that they can or can't share social media if they have it out here. We just know that this is a sensitive job and share as much or as little as you can. So that's. That's essentially where it lies on that. Besides being a co author on this book, you mentioned to me before that you're also a spoken word poet. I want to give you an opportunity now to talk about it. You. You said to me before you got. Before we got on the mic here, you just did a performance up in Albany. You sent the video to your mother, and your mother is like, who is this person? Because it's not the shy little kid that I remember growing up.
[00:29:40] Speaker A: Yeah. No, I've been writing poetry since I was 19, 20 years old.
[00:29:43] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:29:44] Speaker A: And when I went to New Paltz, New Paltz College, rap, poetry, music, rpm, a couple of other organizations, they would have the open mics and I would just go and perform, share my stuff.
Went home, got involved with the poetry scene in Albany. So I connected with them before relocating to Thousand Valley. But when I went to Albany, me and my friend Maya, we went and I reached out to Darian Gooden, Nikki Black, and Zo Zigga. Well, yeah, I met Zoziga at the show, but I went there mainly literally to support them and just get out of Poughkeepsie for a day. Because sometimes you gotta get out. Oh, yeah, a day vacation, if you will.
[00:30:16] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:30:17] Speaker A: So we were talking during the intermission, and at the last. I don't wanna say the last minute, but they were like, do you still perform? Yes, to perform. You wanna go up? Say what?
You want me to go up there?
[00:30:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:26] Speaker A: And I went. Killed it. And made new connections.
[00:30:29] Speaker B: Oh, that's beautiful. That's fantastic. I'm a musician as well. I'm a writer in my own right. And I find that writing lyrics, writing poetry, writing music, is such a cathartic way of getting through things, whether it's telling my own story or somebody else's or this one's funny. I saw the Neil diamond musical.
Was that a Joyful Noise? And I was really inspired by it. And I wrote this heartbreaking song inspired by the relationships in his life. And I show it to my girlfriend, and she's like, connor, do we need to talk?
[00:31:00] Speaker A: Oh, God.
[00:31:01] Speaker B: Like, are you breaking up with me? What's going on here is like, no, babe, our relationship's great.
Our relationship's fine. I was just inspired by this musical.
Yeah, I know I've given her a few heart attacks when it comes to music, but.
But I've also given her some really, really nice songs, too, so.
She's even said the very first song that I wrote for her one day when we get there. She would love to incorporate it in the wedding somehow, so.
So, hey, I've done some good things, too.
[00:31:28] Speaker A: Hey. Shout out to you Tip of the hat to you.
[00:31:30] Speaker B: So with it, with your writing, how do you feel like it's helped you find your catharsis?
[00:31:37] Speaker A: I just do a brain dump. And I write about lived experiences. But I also, like you said, I write about what I see on TV and in school, in the movies and the news, and Marcus Scott. Shout out to my boy, Marcus Scott. We used to have this thing called Accountability Hour.
[00:31:51] Speaker B: Okay?
[00:31:52] Speaker A: And it would be poems, it would be articles, it would be songs, it would be. He's a playwright, so it'd be his plays, it'd be my novel. We would just exchange and work on each other's craft. What could be fixed, what flows, what doesn't flow. We haven't had that in a while, and I'll take accountability for that, but we haven't had one in a while. But doing things like that has helped me Again, be cathartic. It helps get that whatever's pressing me on my mind for the day, for the week, I have to get it out of me somehow. Again. Which links back to trauma. Trauma is. Stays in your body, in your neck, in your teeth, your shoulders, your hips, your legs. Once you get it out, you work it out somehow. Like going to the gym.
[00:32:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:32:29] Speaker A: You know, that's how you get the trauma out. For me, my writing is like air. Like, that's how I breathe.
I have to get it out. I have to breathe.
[00:32:37] Speaker B: That's beautiful. Have you seen, like, senior clients find ways where they find their sense of breathing?
Tell me some of the beauty that you see. The way. The moments where they escape what they're coming from, whether physically, mentally, or kind of spiritually, in the sense of finding whatever it is that helps them.
[00:33:01] Speaker A: The main one is Minecraft.
[00:33:02] Speaker B: Minecraft. Okay.
[00:33:04] Speaker A: When the kids play, and I know we had a whole talk about the screens. Tablets, but when I see kids create the little cities on Minecraft, sometimes it's like I want to ask, you know, how they're. How they're feeling, what's their emotion today? But also, what you doing with that cow? Why he going over there? Because they're. They're again, they're directing. They're in control of their little worlds.
[00:33:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:33:23] Speaker A: When it's time to get off the tablet, I usually. My kids love to color. They love to draw pictures. I can't draw a straight line with a ruler. And when I see these kids crafting, like, little 3D graphics and even drawing what they. What they were doing on Minecraft or Roblox or whatever. Video game from memory. Yeah.
You know what? Can you cover my notebook right quick?
[00:33:44] Speaker B: That's a skill. It's a skill. It's such a talent.
[00:33:47] Speaker A: It is. So when I see my kids doing crafty, artistic things, I think it's beautiful. I love it. Absolutely love it. And same thing with my little ones who love to play with their dolls, the hairstyles, even sewing clothes for them.
[00:33:59] Speaker B: Oh, wow.
[00:33:59] Speaker A: And I'm just like, why? You guys are so dope. I don't even know what to say. I love watching them in the little elements.
[00:34:05] Speaker B: That's awesome. Sewing. That's so great. I'm so happy to hear that. That's. That's still something that people are learning.
I'm so happy. I can do a very, very simple stitch. But don't ask me to do anything too crazy. I know. I know just enough to, like, save something to get it to a professional.
That's about as much I can do.
I've also done a lot of work with this organization called Awareness, Inc. They're over in Ulster county for the most part, and they've helped people mainly with substance abuse issues. But they do have children's programs as well. And one of the children's programs that they do is they have an online server for Minecraft where, you know, children in the program will all play together, and there are the clinicians in the server with them and all talking, and there'll be guided conversations. So while they're playing, they're opening up without realizing they're opening up.
[00:34:57] Speaker A: That's awesome. Yeah, I think that is so cool.
[00:34:59] Speaker B: Yeah, it's a. It's a really good service. Shout out to Marie over at Awareness, Inc.
They do great stuff over there. I'm really, really happy to have been affiliated with them over the last few years. Highly recommend checking them out if you haven't heard anything before they move.
[00:35:12] Speaker A: I'll be on Google today.
[00:35:13] Speaker B: Yeah, no, absolutely. So, you know, again, talking about your story, talking about the book, talking about poetry, talking about always wanting to be an advocate from here on out. Here we are in 2026, and say what you want about the world. There's so much we can say about it, but we're in critical times.
[00:35:28] Speaker A: How to deal with Boo Boo. That's the bottom line.
[00:35:30] Speaker B: Absolutely. What are goals that you have for yourself and your department as you're helping your clients?
[00:35:36] Speaker A: For myself, just getting through the days, because if I. If I'm. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I don't have my own situations. I do. But I have my supports. You know, I have my scripture, I have my mama, I have my ice cream. I make it work. I make it happen with the department. I love the department. You know, we're a good group. Cody, Cassandra, Jocelyn, Joe, Shaniqua, Jessica, Alyssa, Velvet. I love all of us. Yeah. But just to keep. Keep growing, keep thriving and let people know we're here.
Doctors offices, schools, daycares. One time, I remember.
I remember there was a daycare at Family Court, and I mentioned. I mentioned the Children's Health Home Services, and I think I brought over some applications. But again, it's a good resource to have because when you're dealing with. Again, when you're dealing with abuse, when you're dealing with trauma in general. Oh, my kid. My kid. You know, we have this for children. Right.
So just Google us, ask questions, definitely keep growing and try to help every. Ideally, I want to help Every family in Dutchess County. Yeah.
[00:36:33] Speaker B: Yeah. That's a good goal to have. Yeah, Absolutely beautiful.
[00:36:35] Speaker A: And if it's that, if it's that Superman complex again in me, I'm not sorry.
[00:36:39] Speaker B: As somebody who I would definitely say I have a Superman complex in my own right and I've loved Superman for years.
Let's see. Can I see it right now? Hold on. My wallpaper is the Superman symbol. There you go.
So we have that there. And actually in my desk right now because one of my, one of, one of my shelves fell off the wall. But I have a Superman bank that I would. That I had hanging up. Yeah, hold on, I'll show you.
I'm a little nerd. Show and tell.
[00:37:11] Speaker A: Nothing wrong with that. I love me some Star Trek.
[00:37:12] Speaker B: Oh, Star Trek too. I'm slightly more of a Star wars guy, but I still love Star Trek nonetheless.
[00:37:17] Speaker A: It's okay. My brother's a Star Wars. I'm the only tracky. I love it.
[00:37:21] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:37:21] Speaker A: That is so cool.
[00:37:22] Speaker B: Yeah, I've had that forever. I think my parents got it for me like for a birthday years and years ago. But always keep that. Oh, without a doubt.
One thing that you said about having the resources and having. Making sure that these daycares in these places are aware of you guys, I wish I had that when I was a camp counselor. You know, When I was 15, I had an experience where I'm playing with a kid at sign out. You know, he has his toys out with him. You know, we're just playing with the toys. And he just nonchalantly tells me some of the most traumatic stuff I've ever heard in my life.
And like this. And again, this is the reality for this kid. He doesn't see like as an issue. It's just he's repeating stuff that's happened at home.
And I was dumbfounded and being a 15 year old kid myself listening to. I believe this kid was like seven at the time.
It was a lot. And obviously I was trying to ask more questions and kind of get an idea for it. And as soon as that conversation ended, I went over to my director and was like, hey, I think we have an issue here.
I don't know what to do from here on out. But this is the information I gathered for you.
What should we do? And I know that he reported it and unfortunately I never saw that kid again after, after that week of camp. So I don't know where his story left off.
I hope, hope everything's okay, but I know that I believe Child Domestic Services did have to get involved.
[00:38:45] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I definitely. Yeah, I. I worked with a young person. This is actually before here, at a previous job.
We were playing Legos, and he wouldn't stop crying.
[00:38:57] Speaker B: Oh.
[00:38:57] Speaker A: So I just. I just sat there with him and I said, you know, when you're ready to talk, if you wanna. You know, I have this thing. I had this ginormous teddy bear. I forgot his name. Sanford.
[00:39:05] Speaker B: I named him Sand Sanford. Okay.
[00:39:07] Speaker A: So I. I said, if you're angry, if you want to cry, you can cry in the Sanford. You can punch Sanford. Just don't hit me because that's gonna hurt my feelings. And I don't like seeing you sad. So. Yeah, go punch Karen Stanford. He's punching, kicking, screaming, screaming. Then he falls into my arms and I'm like, you know, buddy, I'm so sorry to see you sad. What's going on? He said something along the lines of. And I'm paraphrasing, I remember verbatim, he said, because again, in the domestic violence case, the judge said that, you know, he had to spend the weekends with his father as per the court order. As per the court order.
And the kid said to me, I cry every night and I ask God to help me be good so my dad doesn't hit me.
And the rage in my soul at that moment, I just wanted to, like, flip everything over.
[00:39:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:56] Speaker A: But I had to emotionally regulate.
I have a young kid who's trusting me with that heavy information.
[00:40:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:02] Speaker A: And I said, sweetie, I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Did you talk to Mommy? You know, did you talk to, you know, another trusted adult? I'll talk to Mommy for you.
[00:40:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:40:12] Speaker A: But it is not your fault.
Keep praying to God he's watching and something's going to be done really soon. That was all I can say in my defense.
[00:40:22] Speaker B: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:40:24] Speaker A: But. Yeah. What do you do when someone. When a child tells you that you try your best. And my best, I can relay the information to the mother. And she would have to take matters into their own hands with her lawyer and, you know, my director at the time, but it's definitely hard. But, like, that hearing that made me want to fight more.
So that's why, like, I really implore these judges because they say that even if domestic violence is involved in separation, divorce, the child still has to be with the father, because every child needs a father. But what if the father is beating the child to make the mother upset? That's insidious, too. Nobody wants to talk about that in family Court, you can bring in pictures. You can bring in a report from the child's therapist, psychiatrist.
What's it going to take to make the visit supervised or to get him some help? Yeah, but when I say him, I mean the abuser because they need the help.
[00:41:10] Speaker B: Yeah. And again, abuser could be anybody. Could be anybody.
[00:41:14] Speaker A: It could be the janitor. It could be a teacher about the school. It could be the brunch manager at the bank.
[00:41:18] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:19] Speaker A: Again, it's. It's a mask. It's image management consulting.
[00:41:22] Speaker B: It's heartbreaking. It's absolutely heartbreaking.
[00:41:25] Speaker A: And I apologize. I'm not trying to make it dark. I'm just saying be aware.
[00:41:27] Speaker B: This is what this is.
No, it's the reality of it. This is what we need to talk about on the show. This is exactly why we have this show.
You said that you said to this child, it's not their fault.
For anybody out there who's going through this themselves, if you can look in the camera, like, let's talk to the people on the other end.
Somebody who's going through this kind of abuse right now or similar, whatever, what should they hear right now?
[00:41:53] Speaker A: Give me a second.
[00:41:54] Speaker B: It.
[00:41:59] Speaker A: Friend. You don't know me. I'm Regina.
If you're going through something hard where you're being disrespected, you're being abused verbally, physically, psychologically, economically, financially, spiritually, neurologically, medically, legally, if you're trying to overcome some substance abuse or disorder and that person is putting it back in your face to entice you again, you did nothing to deserve that. And the abuser, Nothing will warrant you treating the person you say you love like that.
Believe it or not, you will be accountable to God because he is watching. Everyone's accountable to God, including you, abuser. But for my survivors, my victims, there is help out there. You are not alone. Keep fighting and keep seeking. Your tribe is out there.
[00:42:45] Speaker B: Beautifully said. Beautifully said.
As we're coming to a close on this, I think that's a fantastic way to close. But I also do love asking people, is there any last little nugget you would like to share? Either reinforce something we said or maybe something that we didn't bring up.
[00:43:00] Speaker A: I feel there is. I just got to think a little bit more. Yeah. I feel like I said everything under the sun.
[00:43:05] Speaker B: And of course, you're always welcome back on for more. More discussions.
[00:43:08] Speaker A: Thank you.
If they say yes, then yes.
This is your life.
Keep doing what's best for you.
Whatever support you get from your faith, whatever support you get from your friends, a support group.
If your self care is eating some Oreos and watching your favorite cartoon from when you were a child, that counts that self care. You are not lazy. You are overworked and underappreciated. You need to rest.
So rest up and get back out there the next day.
So one more thing. I know people who know me. They're sick of hearing about domestic violence. No one wants to hear about domestic violence. Well, I'll stop talking about domestic violence when it stops happening. So be accountable and get some help.
[00:43:57] Speaker B: Amen.
[00:43:58] Speaker A: Okay, now I'm done.
[00:43:58] Speaker B: Beautiful. Regina, thank you so much. And thank you so much for being here on this episode. Absolutely. Of course. We're going to have information on her book and her social media. So if you're interested to learn more about her poetry, her writings or anything like that, or you need to reach out because you're going through a situation in your own right. Don't worry. We have that all here for you. Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of your best you. We hope that you have a wonderful day and as always, be your best you. Thank you for joining us.
