Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Foreign.
[00:00:06] Speaker B: Hey there, everybody, and thank you very much for tuning in to your best you real conversations on mental wellness brought to you by Mental Health America of Dutchess county and the Northern and Southern Dutchess Community Coalitions. We're really excited to have you guys here today, and I'm really excited to be with our guest here, our Marvel wearing guest. And I even brought out the Marvel Mug forum. We were actually co workers at Town Square Media, the Hudson Valley. So if you're familiar with wpdh, WRRV Light fm, the Wolf, you've probably seen both of us around at events a couple of years ago now.
And that's where we met. That's where we had a lot of our start. And funny enough, we both wound up here at mha, and I think that's so crazy. So working over at the Bolger House house right now, we have with us Antonio Benitez. Did I say your last name right? I haven't said your last name in a long time.
[00:00:51] Speaker A: I appreciate you asking. It's Benitez.
[00:00:53] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:00:54] Speaker A: It's a. It's a common. It's a common misunderstanding, but it's all right.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: That's all good. Antonio, how are you?
[00:00:59] Speaker A: What's good, bro? What's goody, dude?
[00:01:00] Speaker B: It is so good to see you. It has been a while since we had worked together, but here we are at mha. When I saw your email pop through right when I got hired, it was like, holy crap, you're here too.
[00:01:11] Speaker A: This is sick.
[00:01:12] Speaker B: So let's kind of walk that back a little bit, talk about Town Square experience, like radio and Mental Health America, two completely different fields I'm trying to
[00:01:22] Speaker A: figure out because I've been sitting with this for a while. It is, it is, it is. First of all, bro, I'm happy, you know, you got everything. I'm really proud.
[00:01:27] Speaker B: Thank you, bro. Like, this is same to you.
[00:01:29] Speaker A: This is totally different. I didn't think this. I didn't think this was an option for me. Mental health?
[00:01:33] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:01:33] Speaker A: Like, I didn't think the mental health field at all was an option. I was always strictly entertainment. I tried to focus on that and Town Square, you know, Town Square was great when I first pulled up there back in 2022, if I remember right.
[00:01:45] Speaker B: Sounds about right.
[00:01:46] Speaker A: Yeah. I was cheesing when I first walked in there, Grant, you know, ear to ear. And then, you know, I. You. After a while, like, I realized, listen, I need to move up in the world, you know, and so I started pitching things around, and then eventually, you know, things Happened, you know, and we had to separate, you know, just keep it, you know, keep it nice.
Can we curse on here? I didn't even ask.
[00:02:07] Speaker B: Try not to. But when. When applicable, sure.
[00:02:13] Speaker A: So.
So yeah, you know, we. We separated, like, and then after that, you know, I was looking for work, and it's as, you know, incredibly difficult to get a job in entertainment in general.
And I needed something steady because I had a lot going on.
And so then I saw that, you know, Bolger was hiring, and a friend of mine recommended the position. They said, yo, bro, I think it'll be good for you. You know, it's easy on the feet because I can't stand too long, you know, gotta lose £100. But that's another story.
[00:02:43] Speaker B: I believe in you.
[00:02:44] Speaker A: Thank you, bro. I'm working on it. I switch up the diet. It was a big deal.
[00:02:47] Speaker B: I see you, I see you online, I see the stuff you're doing.
[00:02:49] Speaker A: Thank you, bro.
But yeah, so after a while, and then I got. I filled out, filled out the. The application, gave Brittany my resume, was in call, was in contact, and funny enough, initially was a part time position. And then Brittany said, actually, hold on one minute. If you wait about a week or two, we can probably get you in full time. Wow. Because the other day, guy, he was switching shifts or whatever, and I was like, all right. So about a month later, I'm in there full time.
[00:03:17] Speaker B: Wow, that's really incredible. I find it so crazy, you know, the fact that we do have very similar backstories. Here we were at Town Square, we were both unceremoniously let go for whatever reason, whether it was a company wide layoff, internal, whatever it was. And then we were left with, what do we do now? And then MHA ended up being the bright light. That kind of saved both of us in a way, you know, where we had to kind of figure ourselves out. I didn't think mental health was an option for me as well for a long time. Um, my mental health journey, I would say really started in 2020. And then slowly but surely, new things kind of came to light for me. And then MHA became a client of mine after I got laid off at the radio station. And now we're here, and that's nuts. So when it comes to here, you were, you found this position at the Bolger house.
And was this just kind of like you were looking for anything at the time, or was. Did you have an inkling that you think you could have been good at
[00:04:16] Speaker A: this, bro, to be real transparent, I Needed a job, bro. Yeah. And I'm proud. Like, you know, of course I didn't want to go into sanitation or anything like that. And also, I have physical ailments. Like I said, I can't stand for too long without being in pain. Like, I have tendonitis, which I got from working in a factory, working at the Gap at Fishco.
So I have to be careful. Even when I lose, you know, When I drop £100, it's still. I don't even know what life is going to be at that point. Yeah. So I didn't think if this was an avenue. I. I don't want to make it seem like I saw it as just a job. Like, I don't see any job as just a job. Like, I respect sanitation workers wholeheartedly because it's like, that's. That's the running.
That's a running question for me. Which is more important, sanitation or teachers? Both are extremely important.
[00:04:59] Speaker B: They have their value. Absolutely.
[00:05:00] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:05:01] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:05:01] Speaker A: But I didn't. I just. You know, I saw it was. Position was open. I thought, you know what? Sounds like something I could do. Let me do it. And then I actually get on the job and know Britney breaks it down to me. What. What's necessary. And I was like, okay, yeah, shout out to Britney.
[00:05:15] Speaker B: Of course she'll be on this program as well by the time this airs. I don't know if her episode will be before or after this, but, yes, shout out to Britney.
[00:05:22] Speaker A: Dude, Before I left, she was like, you better make us proud.
You're the first one from. Literally said, you're the first one from Bolger coming on this. You better make us proud. You better make us look good.
[00:05:31] Speaker B: I love Britney so much.
[00:05:33] Speaker A: I don't know if I look at my hair. I didn't. I told you, you're fine. You.
[00:05:37] Speaker B: You're just coming off of your shift. You were literally just working with clients before you got here. That's the reality.
[00:05:42] Speaker A: This is. This is company time.
[00:05:43] Speaker B: Oh, yeah. This is 100% company time. This is a good way to spend company time.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:05:48] Speaker B: Way to do this, but it's good. And, yeah, Brittany's fantastic. The very first time I worked with her was for another MHA commission podcast, the Vital Women Podcast, which is more women's issues, women's health. And that was the first time I met her. And, like, dude, she is so inspiring. She's such. Such a great speaker, and her story is phenomenal. We'll be happy to be sharing that here.
You're. You're Walking through the door. You're working for the Bulger house. Let's kind of break it down since you are the first one from the Boulder house on this program right now. What is the core mission of the Bulger House here at mha?
[00:06:19] Speaker A: Bro, core mission is to make.
Trying to. Pick my words, we're not trying to fix anybody.
We want to help you become the best you.
[00:06:32] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:32] Speaker A: Addiction, you know, this. This is a whole sudden. We can't cover in an hour. Yeah.
And, bro, like, we all got something going on with us. And a lot of these guys come from, so. Boulders. Okay. Bulger's the all male facility. Right. So I work in the all male facility.
And a lot of these guys come from crazy backgrounds. You know, you never know what you're going to get.
Some of them different stuff, and a lot of them generally haven't had somebody that gave a damn.
And so our job is to remind them because they probably know that there's somebody that gives a damn.
[00:07:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:10] Speaker A: And, bro, I'm telling you straight up, I'm an addict, too. I'm recovering addict.
It's, you know, somebody cares, but when you're in that mentality, you don't realize it. Yeah. And even when you're out of it, like, you know, bro, I've gone through my. I've gone up and down.
Sometimes forget, and then you remember, and then you forget again, and then you remember, and it's just. It keeps going back and forth. So our. Our main mission, bro, really is at the end of the day, is to just help these guys become the best version of themselves and remind them that, listen, this is. This is about you guys. It's not about us. And it's difficult sometimes because, again, we're dealing with people with different ailments, issues, what have you. Yeah.
[00:07:49] Speaker B: When it comes to people with addiction, obviously you're dealing with a lot of men of various ages, various degrees, various backgrounds, but they are all linked by addiction. They're all fighting something.
What are some of the common things that you see from these people when they first come in? What are the common things that you feel like you have to help them to unlearn?
[00:08:16] Speaker A: You know, a big thing is a lot of guys really want somebody to talk to and they feel disrespected.
This is a big one for me as well. Like, you know, we. They don't feel like men.
You know, that's a big thing.
[00:08:34] Speaker B: That's a big thing right there.
[00:08:36] Speaker A: Yeah. And, you know, there's this gender war going on. There's this politics, war going on in society.
And at the end of the day, you know, I'm not trying to get into that, but it's like, yo, like, men want to be men. These men want to be men. Just straight up idle hands go right to the devil. And that's. That's a fact. And honestly, you give a lot of these guys. These guys feel hopeless.
You give them a job, like an actual paying job that they feel somewhat fulfilled in. Yeah, that, that, That's. That's. That's a good leaf. That's a good starting point.
[00:09:09] Speaker B: Oh, my God. I feel like most men, most people in general, but definitely with men, when you give them a role, you give them a responsibility, and they feel like they are achieving that responsibility, they are living up to it. That gives so much meaning. It may not be the exact thing that they want for themselves in a given moment, but they.
I know in my case, when I've had to do the things that I don't want to do to work towards the life that I want, it makes a difference.
It makes a difference. So you have the Bulger House there, and you have people who are living in this house, Correct? This is not just something where people come in for a session. These are people who are living there.
Obviously, we don't want to give away any information about the people who are living there, their confidentiality. But how many people does the Bulger house, roughly, house at a time?
[00:10:01] Speaker A: We got about.
We got about 24 guys.
[00:10:04] Speaker B: 24? That's significant.
[00:10:05] Speaker A: About 22, 24, something like that.
[00:10:07] Speaker B: Yeah. So that's pretty significant. That is a community right there that people are walking into. So if somebody's brand new to this house, there's 23 other guys that know exactly what they're going through, right then.
[00:10:19] Speaker A: Well, yeah.
[00:10:20] Speaker B: How does that work with the group mentality? Do you see when they're all living together and they're all working together, do you see that? It's. Is it a positive atmosphere where they build each other up, or is it. Or can there be a lot of struggle at times, or is it a mix of both?
[00:10:38] Speaker A: It's all. It's a mix of both, bro. Because. Because you got to take them where they're at. Right. And so one of the biggest things with a client, like how you just said, like, you know, they. They know what each other's going through. Some of them do, some of them don't.
[00:10:51] Speaker B: They.
[00:10:51] Speaker A: Everybody's been through something different, right? Yeah. And so it's like, it's. It's And a big thing which has been said, like, when I run groups, because we do. I do groups on Thursdays. Right. So I gotta do one today, and I'm gonna do it on, like, Pride.
Okay. Yeah. So my thing is, is, like, I've had a guy literally said, you know, he's got this going on, and he knows more than everybody in this room.
Like, dudes literally said that. And nobody said nothing. I'm just looking at him like, really, dog? Really? You know, every one of these. All these 12 other men, you know, what's. Myself included. Yeah. And the house manager in the back
[00:11:21] Speaker B: office, you know, but that's their mentality at the moment. And that's something that they either live with the rest of their life or they get a wider perspective to kind of be like, yeah, maybe in several months time, they'll be like, right, Yeah. I really don't know as much as I thought I did.
[00:11:37] Speaker A: Reality check.
[00:11:38] Speaker B: Yeah. But, you know, people with harsh backgrounds, and I'm not even saying addiction, just any harsh background altogether, that's a common mentality where they have to be defensive in that way for just survival.
[00:11:51] Speaker A: Right.
[00:11:51] Speaker B: And a lot of people come from that. So you say that you hold. You hold the group sessions. What are your typical responsibilities?
Day to day, throughout the week?
[00:12:00] Speaker A: So it's like.
So let me take you real quick before we get in that. Because my responsibilities have changed.
[00:12:06] Speaker B: Yeah, absolutely. Roll through it.
[00:12:08] Speaker A: When I was first. When I first started, I was a program assistant, which is literal. I assist with the program. And that's how Brittany broke it down. And I was like, that makes sense.
So my job is to help with whatever's going on. And of course, you know, I have certain things I can and can't do. Like, I give medications.
You know, I do safety checks to make sure people are in the house. You know, everybody's accounted for. We do that every two hours. Yep. You know, I talk to the clients as, you know, as they come, help them with, you know, things that I can help with. But that job, that. That particular position has a lot of restrictions.
And it's come to the point where I didn't know that I was.
You know, I wanted to do more. Right. And I didn't know that there were certain things I couldn't. Couldn't do.
[00:12:54] Speaker B: Like, I.
[00:12:55] Speaker A: Like I knew, but I also didn't know.
[00:12:57] Speaker B: Yeah, you're new to it. You're learning. You're figuring out what it all is.
[00:13:00] Speaker A: Person's a person, no matter how small. Right, Connor?
[00:13:02] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:13:02] Speaker A: Yeah. All right. But yeah, so. So. And you know Britney, after much talk with Britney, she started after. After about a year. Yeah, about a year of doing the job she offered. She said, listen, the house needs a serpent. Why don't you become a certified peer recovery advocate? And I was like, what is that? I don't understand what you're talking about because, like, again, I'm new to this entire. I know therapist and that's it. Like, I know social worker a little bit.
[00:13:29] Speaker B: And you know, that's majority of the people out there. That's the extent. So that's why we're here telling these stories, to break that down.
[00:13:35] Speaker A: Exactly. So she. So she's like, you know, a serpa basically does what you do, but you can do a bit more. And so, like, for example, I was already doing medications, I was already doing safety checks and all that, but now I can sit here and talk to the clients one on one and see where the heads are at and talk to them about certain things. And because I'm in recovery myself, you know what? Screw it, I'm gonna say, you know, I'm recovering porn addict, so I'm able to talk with them about certain things. Like, I don't talk to him about my situation like that. Because my dudes in my situation are few and far between from my personal experience.
[00:14:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:14:11] Speaker A: So I have, I come to them, though. But I've been around alcoholics, I've been around, you know, crack users. I've been around all guys like that, Deuce users and all that. Oh, yeah. You know, I'm saying. So I get it. So I can still come to them with that and talk to him about it.
So I said, all right, what do I got to do? And she put me on the friends of Recovery4NY.
And I took their. I took, you know, went through the trainings with them. I got certifications, and then was. I took the test on Halloween this past Halloween.
[00:14:40] Speaker B: Really? Okay.
[00:14:41] Speaker A: Yeah, I literally booked it for then because I had knee surgery last year. So I was out literally from July to December.
But she said, listen, take the test when you get back. We'll just put you right in the position. Wow. So I said, oh, that's fuego. I took the test on Halloween, got 79 out of 100 and. Or 80, whatever. 79 out of 100 and then the rest. Here we are now.
[00:15:01] Speaker B: There you go.
[00:15:01] Speaker A: So the position is a bit different because I'm not.
I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm still learning it as I go because I've never, never Done this. And I've never heard of it, actually, until. Until recently.
[00:15:13] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:14] Speaker A: So, like today I was just taking a client to the bank and we were going here, there, wherever. So he can cash, you know, he can cash his monies and stuff like that. That I couldn't do as a program assistant.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:23] Speaker A: Because program assistant essentially, like, I'll be real with you, is locked into the house because they have to make sure that everything is good.
[00:15:29] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:30] Speaker A: Versus me, where I can be with the clients out and about and take them to and from wherever. I can go with them on outings. I can do groups. Pas can do. I was doing groups as a pa, but I can do more developed groups.
[00:15:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:15:41] Speaker A: So. So I could talk about now. I could talk about now. It's. It's. I'm more qualified to speak on a deeper level of addiction and certain addictions. But with. With my. I still, you know, I can't come from a clinical perspective. I can only come from, like a peer. Peer centered realm.
And so long as it really pertains to them, their addiction, then what they got going on in their heads, like, it's all right. But even then, I'm not, again, not a therapist.
[00:16:06] Speaker B: I'm.
[00:16:07] Speaker A: I'm not a friend, but.
And you know. Correct.
[00:16:10] Speaker B: You're an advocate.
[00:16:10] Speaker A: I'm an advocate, yeah. Like. Like.
And I've talked to, you know, I've talked to a bunch of guys. I've had dudes cry right in front of me. I've had dudes tell me some crazy. Some nutty stories.
But the biggest thing was, like, you know, a lot of times the guys just want an ear.
[00:16:22] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:23] Speaker A: And that's what I was told by. By the staff when I first started. A lot of these guys just want somebody to talk to.
[00:16:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:27] Speaker A: So it's. It's different. And I got to give all kudos to Brittany. I do.
Because, like, our old boss. Well, my old boss. He wasn't your boss. Anthony was. I gave.
[00:16:36] Speaker B: Still worked very closely with him.
[00:16:37] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying? You know, he was a bomb. He was a bomb D. And so, you know, it's like, what is it? You know, she pushed me in this position. She gave, you know, she gave me a chance. I mean, she took a chance on me and gave me a chance. Gave me more. I probably tested her patience. She'll probably look at this and be like, no, I got. I got plenty of patience. And I'm like, no, I'm good. Give me this woman. You just ride this wave with me, Brittany. So she'll be so, you know, she'll be like, you know, but she.
She pushed me into this position and, you know, when I was messing up, she vouched for me and she had my back the whole time. And so it's like, you know, I.
I can't not appreciate her and respect her as a boss. She never did me wrong. You know, I could always go to her when she was available because, you know, she's got her own situation going on. But. But it's like, you know, heavy is the head that wears the crown, and Brittany genuinely gives a damn. Like, that's the problem. Like a lot of people.
A lot of people. Bro, bro, you, You. I know you heard some stories about what happens with people in this field, the medical field. Yes. They don't give a good goddamn.
[00:17:35] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:35] Speaker A: And it's, It's.
It's disturbing. Yeah. What you hear that basically, it's like, you know, they treat human life like it's, you know, they don't care. And I've seen it personally. I know you've heard personal stories about it.
[00:17:46] Speaker B: I've had personal stories of my own, too.
[00:17:48] Speaker A: Okay. So you know, what's up.
[00:17:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:49] Speaker A: So. And. And it's upsetting.
[00:17:51] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:51] Speaker A: And, you know, everybody's situation and role is different. Like, I'm not giving out, you know, I'm not giving out medications like that anymore. But it's like, well, y' all remember, like, these are still people.
[00:18:00] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:01] Speaker A: And I get it. Like, patience wears thin. We're all human sometimes. You weren't sleeping three hours at a clip after getting on a 16 hour shift to go back to like an eight hour shift, whatever. Yeah, but it's like, yo, that's the person.
[00:18:13] Speaker B: Yeah, I agree what you're saying. There's a number of things that I've seen based on my experience.
You know, a lot of. A lot of health.
A lot of people in the health field are unfortunately controlled by the insurance companies. That's tough. And it makes even the people who are trying their hardest, makes the their. Makes their role very difficult. Then you do have the people who do give a damn as well. But as you said, they are worn thin. Our medical field is very stretched out. And then you have people, unfortunately, who are, you know, they might have started great, but then unfortunately have gotten so worn down out of everything too. And. And then you got people who never really gave a damn anyway and just saw this as a way to make money. So you have a variety of different things in that regard. Antonio, I appreciate you breaking down so much about that position.
One thing that I just have to say about your relationship with Brittany and just kind of the relationship with MHA altogether, MHA is about giving people opportunities and choices, even from within. And that is so deep. And you are an example of that. Is like, somebody who can be like. Is like, here is like, you never thought this was an option for you, but now it's become such a big part of your life. That's huge. And then you also said how you have, you know, you may not have the same addiction that somebody else had that you're talking to, but you can speak from that perspective.
And if you're comfortable, later, we might dive a little bit more into that. But when it comes to speaking with the people in the house, when. When you're speaking to somebody and they know that you have some semblance, some relativity of what they're going through, do you feel like that makes a difference when you're having those conversations?
[00:19:49] Speaker A: See me, basically, if somebody can relate to me.
[00:19:52] Speaker B: If somebody can relate to you and you can relate to them. Yeah.
[00:19:54] Speaker A: Well, it makes the job easier.
[00:19:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:19:56] Speaker A: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, A lot easier. It makes it a lot easier.
You know, actually, funny enough, I just had a conversation with Brittany about this the other day. And, you know, a lot of guys pull. Put walls up. They test you on purpose.
[00:20:11] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:12] Speaker A: For.
Because you're, you know, my mother also, you know, said this because you're an authority figure essentially at this point, and at that. I'm only 20. I just turned 28 last month.
[00:20:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:20:20] Speaker A: So thank you. I'm young, and now I'm considered an authority figure, which, you know, I still don't consider myself that, but I can understand how I, I, I'm now in this position. I'm. I'm talking. I'm in a higher position. Like, let's be real. Well, I mean, I say higher position, but no, you're absolutely.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: You are looking after these people in this house. And as much as you are an advocate and in many ways a peer, you are also somebody who, you know, you are in charge. You know, you, like, Brittany is head of the house, but you have a level of power and leadership in that house, and with great power comes great responsibility.
[00:20:59] Speaker A: Jesus, bro.
The. The. The thing is you gotta. You gotta not knock down the walls.
You gotta essentially knock down a part of it and probably build a gate in front of it or. Because, you know, I'm not building. I'm not putting a ladder on a wall. I don't like ladders. I don't like ladders. Not a fan of heights. Nope. So we're gonna knock down this wall bulldozer and put a gate up, bro. And you let me in whenever. That's how. That's how that goes.
[00:21:28] Speaker B: That is a great analogy for.
[00:21:30] Speaker A: Yeah, I know. I just thought about it.
[00:21:31] Speaker B: That is. That is really good. I like it.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: I just thought about it.
[00:21:34] Speaker B: That's good.
[00:21:35] Speaker A: I just thought it up. I need to. I need to cut record of that. Get that in writing.
[00:21:38] Speaker B: Oh, don't worry. Everything's gonna get clipped later. I got you.
[00:21:41] Speaker A: Appreciate it.
[00:21:41] Speaker B: Yeah, no, that's good.
[00:21:43] Speaker A: Because it's a lot easier. It's a lot easier. Like, and even then sometimes, so. So when they relate to you, like, that's not even really a conversation because it's easier.
[00:21:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:21:53] Speaker A: I think usually guys like that are a lot open. They're a lot more personable to talk to. They're a lot easier to talk to. And you can generally. Realistically, bro, you can generally see who needs a little more help. Yeah. And who doesn't.
[00:22:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:05] Speaker A: You know, like, we got a guy in there right now. He, bro, just needed a safe place to lay his head and an opportunity and help finding a job.
One cent is off to the races for him. I don't even see him. I see him maybe like, I see him like maybe twice a week. Yeah. And good. He's hauling, you know, he's working, doing what he got to do. Some other guys, they're a bit depressed, might need some psychiatric help because of the life that they've been down. Yeah. Those are the guys they, you know, not you. Not so much you should concern yourself with.
It's. You got to be prepared. Yeah. You got to be ready. And that goes back to the earlier conversation because there's been times where. I'm not gonna lie to you, bro. I wasn't ready. And I. With that guy, I was talking to Brittany about, you know, she said, listen, what did you do in that moment? Because I want to have sit down with him and I want to talk to him, you know, because I haven't. I've yet. He was. He was not. Not new. But I wanted to get my own general intake that I do with all the clients so I can see where they're at so I can perform my job better. And so he, you know, and essentially, I'm not gonna lie, bro, I got short with the guy. Not like short tempered, but I was like, you know, he said something and then I was like, oh, so.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: So maybe a little.
[00:23:14] Speaker A: Yeah, I didn't want to.
[00:23:14] Speaker B: Maybe a little more blunt. I was needed at that moment.
[00:23:17] Speaker A: No, it was more of like, he was testing me, bro. He was actively testing.
[00:23:21] Speaker B: This is one of those tests.
[00:23:22] Speaker A: Yeah, it was. He was testing me. And I guess, you know, I guess I could. I could have done better, you know, And I just mean, like, I was short with him. Like, all right, you know what?
I'm good. It was like, I'm good. I was like. And then, you know, I talked to Brittany about it, and then she said, you know, like, listen, why don't we. You know what? How were you feeling in that moment? Because maybe you should have talked to him the next day, essentially, when you were more level headed. And I was like, you know, you know what? You're right. I could have done that. Yeah. I didn't, but I could have done that. So, you know, it's like, you also, like, because our job is mostly mental. It's not physical. It's mostly mental. And the wherewithal that it takes to perform this task, like, people. People underestimate the job is to be a good person, bro.
Yeah. And people fail at that. Yeah. So that's. Why was it. You got it every employee care pack, not care package. In the handbook, it says they give us. What was it? We have counselors for us.
They gave us mental health resources for us.
[00:24:14] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: Why? Because this is. It's all mental, bro. Yeah. It tests your resolve.
[00:24:19] Speaker B: It does.
[00:24:19] Speaker A: And, bro, I ain't gonna lie. I thought about taking off tomorrow. Yeah. Just because it's like, yo, like.
And I love my job.
[00:24:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:26] Speaker A: Don't get it twisted. I love my job. I love doing it. I feel like. I feel like I'm.
This is most useful I've been in a long time.
But, you know, I'd be lying to you if I didn't say, like, yo, I get tired sometimes. Like, yo, yo. Like, there's days I don't feel like coming in. Why? Because It's a lot. 24 people.
[00:24:41] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:42] Speaker A: Different personalities.
Yeah. Get off your phone during group now. I gotta get at that. I gotta figure out. Because now I have to figure out. That's. That's been the beauty of the job, though. I've had to figure out how to grow with the job.
[00:24:53] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:24:54] Speaker A: And this has been growing for me, like growing pains, in a way. Absolutely. I've had to grow up with the job. Absolutely.
[00:24:59] Speaker B: No, you're human. You're human. Everybody here at MHA is human. This is. We are not some automaton. That's Going out there, that is pre programmed on how to fix everybody's mental concerns. That is not how that works here. You are human as well. Some people do feel that way, some people will think that way, but you are human as well. Take that time when you need it. You know, it's important that you take care of yourself. You can't pour from an empty cup, so you got to be helping out in that regard. But everything that you said there is so true and so powerful. One of the things that leads me to believe that you are good at your job and gave you a step up when you started and it continues as you keep going. You are so authentic. You are straight up.
[00:25:44] Speaker A: Thank you.
[00:25:45] Speaker B: You are like, you don't, you don't hide yourself and you don't hide the truth.
You know, the various conversations that we had at town square, you were so real. You're probably one of the realest guys and, you know, you're able to say stuff when people need to hear it. But you're also very straight up when something's good, when. If it's good, it's good. If it's bad, it's bad. If you can be there, great. You are just real and authentic and I can imagine the guys must appreciate that. I'm sure Brittany appreciates that.
[00:26:16] Speaker A: Thank you for saying that.
[00:26:17] Speaker B: You're welcome.
[00:26:18] Speaker A: Because one of the things that made it easy is that I, I primarily surround myself with easy people like yourself. Like, like easy to talk to. Yeah. You know, so it's, it's not hard in that regard. You know, bro, like, listen, like I asked you earlier if we can curse. Like, you know, it's difficult for me to bite my tongue because I, you know, I curse a lot.
[00:26:32] Speaker B: You know, you've actually been doing very, very well.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: You see, this is two years later.
[00:26:35] Speaker B: Dude, you're very eloquent today. This is, this is very nice.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: I've had to, you know, I got to put on the, on the clock. Yep, I'm on the clock.
[00:26:44] Speaker B: Yep, yep. We're, we're just trying to watch the cursing for, you know, trying to make this accessible to as many audiences as possible. But as I said, when applicable, if, if you, if you, whatever the story
[00:26:54] Speaker A: might be, you know, bro, you know, it's, it's. The problem with a lot of people nowadays is that there's a lack of authenticity.
[00:27:03] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:27:03] Speaker A: In a world that, that is fake. And you know, people say you got to be the real you. You got to be true to yourself. You know, sometimes I haven't even Been. I haven't even been true to myself.
And, you know, my. My girlfriend who gave me this bottle that I'm sipping out of.
She. That's why it's up here.
[00:27:17] Speaker B: Love that.
[00:27:18] Speaker A: Thank you.
She. She. You know, she. She's upset. One of the. The one thing that actually that genuinely upsets her about me is that I'm not in my court. Right.
So part of this journey that I've been doing is being more real with myself and trying to see what's going on in my world.
[00:27:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:38] Speaker A: And, you know, I've had to take a step back from a lot of things because it's like I was running myself into the ground. And so. But with people, you know, people aren't their true selves and for whatever the reason.
And, bro, from personal experience, when you're not your true self, like he said. Yeah.
It eats at you. Like, literally eats at you. Like, you can't. You feel like you're not living. Living a real life, you know? And whether people are scared or they feel like they can't, it's like, you know, I don't know how to not be real. Like, I. I'll hold on to. I won't. I won't really hide it too much. It's more of, like, I have to pick and choose my battles.
[00:28:20] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:28:20] Speaker A: Like, I could say I could. I could lambast somebody.
[00:28:24] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:28:25] Speaker A: Or I could just be like, you know what? This ain't it. Yeah, this ain't it.
[00:28:28] Speaker B: Life is balanced. Life is balance. And something that you just said there, you know how you're not always in your own court, in the position that you're in right now. Your job is to be in other people's court. And it's fascinating how, you know, there are times where you're not always in your court. And I feel like that's a very common thing with a lot of people out there. Well, they're. They'll put friends, family, responsibility ahead of themselves. Again, as I said, you can't pour from an empty cup. You have to take care of yourself. If you don't mind me asking about this. And we don't have to feel free to talk as much or as little as you want about this subject. But you mentioned before, you two are an addict, specifically in porn addiction, and that is extremely real and it's extremely valid. When people think of addiction, they think of the drugs or the alcohol, but porn addiction is very, very real, and it's something that is only increasing, especially in the digital age.
You mentioned how things are Very fake these days. You know, a lot of stuff is online, and it's polished, and it gives us this ideology that may or may not be real. And porn is an escape for a lot of people. You know, I know I've had my struggles with the. With. With porn as well. I think most dudes do as well, so.
You okay, man?
[00:29:46] Speaker A: It's such a goofy topic to talk about.
[00:29:48] Speaker B: It's.
[00:29:48] Speaker A: That's why. That's why nobody talks about it. Because it's. Because you just said you just. Like, I'm being real with you. Right? Yeah. And I'm sorry to interrupt you ahead.
[00:29:56] Speaker B: Go ahead.
[00:29:57] Speaker A: It's just like you said, I've had my struggles with porn, too. It's.
[00:30:01] Speaker B: But how many people can say that openly?
[00:30:03] Speaker A: How many people will, bro?
[00:30:05] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:30:06] Speaker A: Not too many.
[00:30:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
And that's why I want to bring it up right now. And you feel comfortable talking about your story in that?
[00:30:13] Speaker A: I got to get more comfortable talking about it because nobody talks about it. Yeah. You know, and it pisses me off. It does, but it doesn't. Like, all right, I'll be the first one to say it, which is cool for my ego, but in reality. Reality, it's not that great. Like, I only hear about it online. And to be honest with you, as somebody with this particular addiction, it's not fair. It's not like I can't even. I have to be picky with how I can speak about it. And, you know, it's like, even in my own field, like, I can't talk about it. Oh, I can hear about crack and booze.
[00:30:42] Speaker B: You're fine.
[00:30:43] Speaker A: You're good, you're good, you're good.
[00:30:46] Speaker B: As I said, when applicable, you're. We're getting into the emotions right now. You're fine.
[00:30:50] Speaker A: Thank you, man. Bro, this is why. This is why I always liked you.
[00:30:53] Speaker B: I like you too, dude.
Dude, I'm so glad that we got to relay.
[00:30:57] Speaker A: Yeah, bro. Yeah. I was thinking about it when I saw Email sidebar. When I saw you, when I saw the email that you got jumped in, I was like, wait a minute. Yeah, I was like, you know what?
[00:31:03] Speaker B: We'll.
[00:31:03] Speaker A: We'll meet. We'll meet. You know what I'm saying? I'm not going. I'm not gonna. You know, I'll jump on the podcast and we'll do that, because I got.
I got too much going on right now. Yeah, but we'll meet.
[00:31:12] Speaker B: Well, dude, we'll probably have you here a couple of times. I'm sure there's a number of conversations we can have for sure, definitely.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: But. But yeah, you're saying, yeah, bro, this is. You know, I hear about crack all the time. I hear about, you know, alcohol all the time. And it's like, yo, man, like, there's other addictions out there. And I understand, like, the topic at hand is that, you know, this person's dealing with this.
So somebody like, let's say a food addiction, they're not gonna. Yeah, I don't run into people with that.
And I'm probably won't, to be real with you, because they're probably not getting out of bed.
That was a joke. But.
But what's it called? No, but seriously, though, like, there we. I only run into so many addictions, and they're generally the same, but it helps to broaden the horizon. And probably in an addict is a selfish lifestyle. You don't care about anyone else but yourself, generally. Like, you might actually care about somebody else. But at the end of the day, if you got your fix, that's when you're good.
[00:32:05] Speaker B: There's a lot of selfish actions involved, and there's a lot of guilt and there's a lot of shame. Regardless of what the addiction is, it's often an escape from something.
[00:32:14] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:32:15] Speaker B: It's often making up for a lack of having a specific coping mechanism. And everybody's got their own coping mechanisms, good or bad. And it sounds like, you know, that was one of your outlets, that was one of your coping mechanisms when you didn't feel like you could express yourself authentically or at least that part of yourself authentically. Does that sound somewhat accurate, bro?
[00:32:38] Speaker A: Shorthand.
You know, it wasn't even, like, the shorthand, like, because. Because there's no way. I can't take it back from the start if I don't tell this story. I was bullied horrendously as a child, bro. Yeah. For my size, I was literally the biggest in the room. You know, I made a lot of people feel inferior. I'm only 5 9, but I had width to me.
[00:32:57] Speaker B: You have a strong presence.
[00:32:58] Speaker A: Thank you. And, you know, people can smell when you're a good person. That's just how it is. And so, you know, and I.
I didn't want to hurt nobody. I was a gentle giant. Yeah.
And it came to a point where I did want to hurt some people, but I never got around to it just because I don't. I didn't want to.
I didn't. I wanted to, but not. I wasn't gonna do it.
And so, you know, that hit Me with a lot of self worth issues that hit me with a lot of, you know, did that between that. All right, so I'm bullied at school and then I go home and my home isn't, you know, everybody's. Everybody's arguing. So now it's like I got two. I got. I got my. Both worlds are basically the same in a way.
[00:33:37] Speaker B: Yeah, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place.
[00:33:39] Speaker A: Exactly, exactly, exactly. And so, like, you know, where do I go? I go into the bathroom for four hours and just have that or. Actually, no, back then, when I was younger, I would wait until my father went upstairs and then I would go on his computer and, you know, have at it after midnight. Yeah.
And, you know, I'd be on there for about hour or two, check, you know, whatever is new and then.
But yeah, no, it was. It was to fill that void of loneliness. That's really what it was at the end. At the end of the day, like, I didn't feel like, you know, you know, I felt I was massively alone. And then, you know, I didn't take care of myself after for a while. Like I'm. For a while I thought I was an ugly dude, which is why I rep Shrek all the time. I felt like it was an ugly. You remember that?
[00:34:21] Speaker B: Dude, there's nothing wrong with repping Shrek. Shrek is a great franchise. I love Shrek, bro.
[00:34:25] Speaker A: But the thing is, is like I. I took it to. I take it to heart because that's how a lot of us feel, and especially me, because, like, I'm built like Shrek. So it's like. So it's like I feel.
[00:34:33] Speaker B: That ain't bad. No, that ain't a bad thing.
[00:34:36] Speaker A: I know that now.
[00:34:37] Speaker B: But, yeah, you saw it back then.
[00:34:38] Speaker A: Back then, I didn't feel that way. I didn't feel good about myself. So I took it out on myself by not keeping myself clean, not moisturizing, you know, not. And then after a while, you know, like Shrek said, you learn to trust who you are.
[00:34:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:49] Speaker A: And that's why I started to do. And slowly, with the help of, you know, podcast and, you know, friends and family, you know, I started to realize that, you know, I'm better than this. And, you know, I got my first girlfriend, which helped me a lot. But then, you know, that had its turmoils and now here I am with this new woman who, you know, loves me, loves everything about me, and it's. It's a lot better. And, you know, she has her own she has her own issues as well.
[00:35:17] Speaker B: Don't we all?
[00:35:19] Speaker A: It's like. It's like. It's like, you know, you realize. You realize after a while, like, you know, it's. It's. I. I was this way because I. I was trained.
I was programmed by people before. Yeah. To be this way. And as my therapist slash old therapist told me, I have to unlearn a lot of things. And it's true.
[00:35:39] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:35:39] Speaker A: And so now I have somebody. I'm in a better space in my life and in my head. And now I got this. This girl who genuinely loves everything about me, you know? Yes, she did. Yeah. There's these, you know, flaws I have, but she doesn't care. Like, bro, like, it's crazy. It's crazy when, you know, no shade to my ex, but, like, I called spade of spade. When you tell somebody, you know, I got this issue. I'm an attic. And then they look at you like, yo, you're sick. Yeah. That's crazy. You know? And it's not. It's not the fact that she said I was sick because, like, I was sick. I ain't gonna lie to you. I. I was sick. But it's the way she said it.
[00:36:09] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:10] Speaker A: Yeah. That's what hurt me. The way she said it. Yeah. And I tried to, you know, tried to. We tried to talk it out, but now that's how she felt. And I was like, well, that's how you feel. It still hurts, but that's how you feel now. I got this new girl who.
You're not sick. You were never sick. You just had this issue.
[00:36:26] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:26] Speaker A: And I was like. And she never talks about the addiction. She doesn't even, like, see, what is it? She doesn't care. I was like, you never asked me about my addiction. She's like, because I don't care. I was like,
[00:36:37] Speaker B: she sees you. She sees through it.
[00:36:39] Speaker A: She's like, Connor. I was like. I was like, right? I was like, why? Yeah. She's like, I don't care about the addiction. I was like, you never asked about. She's like, I don't care. I was like, what the What?
[00:36:46] Speaker B: Yeah. And I'm sure if in the moments where you need to talk about it, she'd listen.
[00:36:52] Speaker A: Bro, I told. I broke. I didn't even break.
I didn't even break down everything that I've done. She just. I told her, like, the big points. Yeah. And she's like,
[00:37:04] Speaker B: and she accepts you.
[00:37:05] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:05] Speaker B: She accepts you. That's beautiful.
[00:37:07] Speaker A: Yeah. And it's crazy.
[00:37:08] Speaker B: It Sounds like a beautiful relationship that you guys have. There's a lot of trust and there's a lot of respect, bro.
[00:37:12] Speaker A: But you know what the funny thing is that it's scary because it's scary because you're used to things going wrong. You're used to people looking at your buck wild. And now here you are, you got this person who's like, all right, so what's next? Yeah, yeah.
[00:37:23] Speaker B: They all. It's often said, and I've said this before about my own relationships, everybody talks about how tough it is to get out of a bad relationship. Nobody talks about how hard it is when you finally get into a good relationship.
[00:37:35] Speaker A: Yeah.
Nobody's prepared for it.
[00:37:38] Speaker B: Yep. Because as you said before with. With your therapist, how you're unlearning certain things about yourself, you have to unlearn certain things about how you treat relationships. Romantic relationships, too, that is so, so big and so, so huge. So, you know, one. One thing I want to talk about with, you know, porn specifically. There's. At least here in the United States, there is such a stigma around sexuality where it makes anything in that realm shameful and guilty. But here we are.
Sex is a part of biology that's just part of. Part of life. Now. Yes, anything can become an addiction. And porn, it can be very destructive. But do you feel like that stigma around sexuality in our community at large plays into kind of the. The fear that comes with having a porn addiction?
[00:38:33] Speaker A: One of the reasons why people like cheating so much is because it's taboo, it's fun.
It's like, I'm not. It's a rush.
[00:38:42] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:43] Speaker A: Because you're doing something you're not supposed to.
[00:38:44] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:47] Speaker A: And so you tell somebody, no, don't do it. You know, it's reverse psychology. You're literally beating out of them. For a lot of people, not just us as a spirit species, it makes us want to do it more.
[00:38:56] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:38:57] Speaker A: So.
And. And you're. You're trying to restrict sexual creatures from enacting in sexual acts.
[00:39:03] Speaker B: Yeah. And when you feel lonely and you don't have an outlet, that's where you turn.
[00:39:07] Speaker A: Why you think dudes are paying out the wazoo for these sex dolls.
[00:39:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:10] Speaker A: You know what I'm saying?
[00:39:11] Speaker B: And only fan subscriptions and whatever it might be.
[00:39:14] Speaker A: Yeah. Disgusting. I. I'mma call it. Because I'm in this community. I'll say what I say, what I need to say. It's disgusting and it's upsetting that they feel like this is an option. But I'm not. I You know, I was there.
[00:39:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:25] Speaker A: I was there. I burnt hundreds of dollars for this stuff.
[00:39:28] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:39:28] Speaker A: And, you know, I'm, you know, it had to happen. That's a canon event for me. Yeah. That's how I see it now because I can come here and talk to you about it and let people know because it doesn't get talked about enough. And would you call it, Would you call porn taboo? Like, you know, that's a slippery slope because, and I say slippery slope because, like, you, it's porn, you know, it's fun.
[00:39:54] Speaker B: It can be.
[00:39:55] Speaker A: Like, I have fun, you know, I have my fun. Yeah. I don't, I don't know. But I don't know if there's ever a positive outlet for porn that's fair. I don't, I don't know. I never heard a case where there was. I think, I think.
Because the only time I've ever tried to apply that logic to it is in an educational sense where, you know, I want to learn new things about, about, you know, what to do and, you know, with mine.
[00:40:16] Speaker B: Yeah. And, and that's potentially positive.
[00:40:19] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:40:19] Speaker B: The way you look at it.
[00:40:20] Speaker A: Right. Yeah. Right. So if you're doing it for that sense, I can see where you're coming from because, you know, there's plenty of books on it. You know, what is a Karma Sutra and other stuff like that. Yeah. So, but that's, at that point, is that porn or is that education?
[00:40:32] Speaker B: That, that's a great way of looking at it. Yeah.
[00:40:35] Speaker A: So you gotta, so you gotta make that distinction. Someone like me, in my position, I, I, I can't go on a pornhub and look that up safely. Yeah. I can look up the Karma Sutra, which is an actual book, and it's about sex and wellness. I can do that. But I can't go on pornhub because what, that's. Now I'm on X Hamster, and we'll leave it at that. And then what's it called?
And I will do it. And, you know, where will that take me? Nowhere.
But I think I can understand why people think it's taboo because, you know, this is what you do. And like, without even bringing up the religious aspect to it, this is, you know, this is a private time, private area. What you do in the bedroom is your business.
[00:41:13] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:41:14] Speaker A: The thing is, the thing is, I think. And I think we bring that mentality to porn and about porn, and that's why, that's why it's taboo. Because now you're talking about the private parts.
[00:41:23] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:41:23] Speaker A: Our Private parts.
And it's hard for people to distinguish that. Listen, you know why? Yes. We're talking about our private parts. We're also trying to talk about.
That's the biggest reason. Why? Because.
Why it's an issue. Because we're sexual creatures and it does something to our minds.
The self gratify. The. The self gratification. Self gratification and the instantaneous gratification that you get versus. It took me 28 years to find this girl who I'm talking to now. Yeah. And she's like. We're. We're like the same person.
Here you are feening for. I don't even know if I use that word, but I said it.
Now here you are trying to get that next fix online. And the difference is. And this is why this. I'm not saying porn addiction is better or worse. It's like you can get. It's readily accessible. Yes. Yeah. It's readily accessible.
[00:42:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:42:19] Speaker A: And some people encourage.
[00:42:20] Speaker B: And that's what makes it. That's what makes it dangerous. You know how it is. You know, you can just take your smartphone and you're right there.
Antonio, I really appreciate you getting into all this, and thank you for feeling brave. We're getting there. We're not done yet. We're getting there. I just want to thank you for being open and transparent and courageous enough to talk about this. And I want to talk about the positive aspects of this right now as you are in recovery for this. Because for any kind of addict, whether it's the people you're working with, yourself, I really want to highlight on this. How does it feel to be in active recovery? And is there a freedom that you feel right now,
[00:43:02] Speaker A: Bro?
I feel. Yeah. Yeah. I feel free, bro.
Like, it's.
You know, you're not supposed to. You're supposed to say you're not.
[00:43:15] Speaker B: Yeah. And forgive me if I'm not getting any terms correct. I'm learning to.
[00:43:18] Speaker A: No, no, no. I'm trying to, bro. It's me. I got a thousand things I want to say, but I have to narrow it down, bro. They say, you know, it takes a village, right?
[00:43:28] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:43:28] Speaker A: So that's what it is. Like, I couldn't have done this without people.
And that's. That's the root of all addiction. Once you rip people away from people, put them in a good and put them in a bad environment, like, what are you gonna do? You know, what do you think's gonna happen? You throw them. You throw them whatever drug, they're gonna latch onto it. But no, it takes a village dog. And I couldn't have done this without my friends, my family, you know, people like you, community. Our old boss, you know, I would be real with you saw him as a father figure.
[00:43:53] Speaker B: That's lovely.
[00:43:53] Speaker A: And I had to tell him that because, like, me and him, I tested his patience so high. I tested Anthony's patience so high, but not out of malice, but because I wanted to make that proud, you know, I want to make that proud. And because I lost my father at a young age, and so he treated me the exact way I wanted to be treated. And so that. And I told him that. I told him that. And, you know, he was like, thank you. And this. And I'm like, nah, man. Like, I, you know, he gets it. But I don't think you really understand, like, what it meant to me. And so now, you know, my mother, who I've tried, you know, for years, and she's a general, practically, and now I have my. My new girl who's like, you know, I'm. Be real. Like, I' ma say, man, like, without her, I wouldn't have. I wouldn't. I wouldn't feel that because I feel. I feel like that void in my chest is being filled.
[00:44:39] Speaker B: Yeah, you find your community.
[00:44:41] Speaker A: Exactly. I'm finding my community. And it's. And it's happening. Yeah. And I feel it. And it's not full yet, but I could feel it filling.
[00:44:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:44:50] Speaker A: And it's. And that's what the key is.
[00:44:53] Speaker B: You said right there, you're not full yet.
Sorry to interrupt. I think. I think you would love to hear this line. This was something that helped me when I was just starting therapy, when I was just starting to actually kind of break down, replacing the walls with the gates, the fences. As you said, self love is not necessarily about liking yourself in that given moment. It's about giving yourself the time and energy to work towards the person you want to be.
And that's 100% what it sounded like you're saying right there.
[00:45:24] Speaker A: Yeah, Yeah. I think I go by this new model, which is similar to what you. What you just said. I try to be strict but fair. Yes, yes. You know, like. Like, we need to be.
We need to love ourselves and we need to be.
We need to hold ourselves accountable, you know, And I think that's how we love ourselves. Because you want to hold everybody accountable. But when you're an addict, you, You, You. You hold a lot of people accountable for things that you shouldn't. Shouldn't be doing.
[00:45:49] Speaker B: Yep.
[00:45:50] Speaker A: So then why Are we holding ourselves accountable for that? For similar actions? Yeah. And so that's a version of it. We have to be strict with ourselves, and if we. Because if we give ourselves that slack, we could fall, but we also don't need to abuse ourselves, and that's why we have to be fair.
[00:46:08] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:46:08] Speaker A: So it's like. All right, so the other day, you know, a big thing for me is. Is diet. I got to work on a diet, which is, you know, so. And I have a sweet tooth, so.
And be real, the job gets more sweets than I'd like, so. And we've gotten Pop Tarts, which I don't buy, but they're there. Yeah. So what I did the other day was like, you know. You know, Pop Tarts come to two packs. So I rip one. I ripped the pack open, took one. I literally crumbled up the other one, threw it away. And that's.
That's how we do it.
[00:46:39] Speaker B: If that's what you needed in that moment, that's.
[00:46:42] Speaker A: Yeah, that's. That's how you do it. Yeah. Anybody with a food habit, not even addiction habit, because that's. That's my second thing. Food.
[00:46:48] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:46:48] Speaker A: You know, I like food a little too much. Yeah. And that's another story. But, yeah, you know, just like, stuff like that, you got to do it in moderation to learn that moderation. A Pop Tart's not going to kill you. No. But if you have them every day. Yeah, they will. They will. They will. Because Pop Tarts, nothing. It's garbage. It's actual garbage, but it's fun. Yeah. So, yeah, I know what you're talking about, bro. You gotta be fair.
[00:47:09] Speaker B: Yeah, no, that's so key, what you're saying, Antonio. This has been a phenomenal episode. We are getting towards the end now,
[00:47:15] Speaker A: but we can keep going. We could go.
[00:47:17] Speaker B: We could go forever. We could go forever. And I would love to have you back on. The last thing that I want to wrap up with was we touched upon this before we got onto the mic. One of the big things in your life with entertainment while you were at the radio station, comedy. You loved comedy.
And one of the things that I find about comedy. It helps. Funny enough, we've been having a very serious conversation for the most part here with some comedic moments.
[00:47:42] Speaker A: But.
[00:47:42] Speaker B: But comedy helps make the harder discussions easier to talk about. So as you're in this position here with the Bulger House, helping other people and seeing the way that people are dealing with their mental health, how do you feel comedy can be used to Help instead of build walls, but build these gates that you can open and close whenever needed,
[00:48:06] Speaker A: bro. When I was growing up, comedy was used to talk about things that the general public wouldn't. Yeah, it was a. You went to a club, you know, you're going to hear somebody was going to say something. Not every comic did. Not every comic talked about risque things or taboo things. But we said that were, you know, but you had to go and knowing this and people have their reservations. I've seen it firsthand doing stand up.
People, you know, we went. This whole podcast was weird, but. But I've seen it firsthand doing, you know, doing stand up that, you know, certain people don't like certain things. I've gotten plenty of argument and you know, because the same people who say you shouldn't say this, shouldn't say that. Well, yeah, you don't laugh at the same thing because somebody like that, somebody might need to hear that.
I make light of all situations. I have to because that's how I deal with it, you know, like, I can't not make a joke because then I turn stiff. Now doing this job has, has tempered me a little bit. I'm not gonna lie, because I, I understand every people's situations differently.
[00:49:11] Speaker B: Can't always make a joke in every single circumstance.
[00:49:13] Speaker A: But yes, yeah, I've had to, I've had to form to that. But comedy, you know, laughing, learning to laugh at yourself is essential. And you know, like, if I'm making porn addict jokes, like if I'm talking about porn or anything like that, bro, like, that's the life I led. Yeah. Like that's been my life for years. Years.
[00:49:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:49:28] Speaker A: And now you're telling me that I shouldn't talk, so I shouldn't talk about this. Well, now you're telling me I can't talk about myself or what I've been through and, and, and all those better ways to heal. I'm like, maybe, but I want to laugh about this. I don't want to sit here and be serious all the time, be upset.
So in.
Because there's, there's many things I could say about this, but basically it's like, you know, the same people who say you shouldn't talk about this, this is, this isn't funny. That isn't funny. Can literally, literally be said about them. Like, and you ask one person what's funny, two people, what's funny? One person will say something different. Oh, yeah, that's just how it is. Like, I mostly laugh at dark humor. Like stuff that you shouldn't say by today's standards, but there are also people out there who, that's their life.
Like, I can't, we can't joke about dementia patients because your grandmother's got dementia. Just as an example. Like your grandmother's got dementia. So now we can't talk about this. My grandmother's got dementia. I want to hear about it.
[00:50:21] Speaker B: My grandparents went through it. And you know what? When I hear those stories and when I hear like comedy based on that, I'm like, most of the time, yeah, I feel that I'm with you. I'm with you. It connects. It's, it's a way of, it's a way of carefully.
Sometimes not carefully, but it's a great way to connect and say the hard things, bro.
[00:50:43] Speaker A: When my father so, so, and this is the best example I could use. But when my father died, we was crying, right? We cried, you know, what is it? What is it? He died Monday. We had the funeral Friday, you know, when we did, I didn't cry the whole week until we got to the church. And I was the only one who said I was the only one who could speak. And then that's when I. Yeah, that's what happened. Right? That's when it happened. And so after that, you know, now I'm crying, now I'm balling my face out and this and that.
Then we go to the, to go eat. Now we're all like, it's like, it's like freaking Vikings at a table.
I'm with my boys and now we're just going back and forth talking about the good old days. Yeah. And it's like, you know, I make jokes about this and that and it's like, you know, and you know, I still make jokes about, about my father. I still, I still joke about that. Because it's like, exactly. Because you can tell because like, like realistically, like, you know, I could look at a cancer, a sticker and I could laugh at that. Some people will take that serious, way more seriously than I ever could. Yeah. And it's like, well, I mean, look at the end of the day, like, it doesn't mean I don't, like, I don't feel the same sentiment. It means like, like, yeah, like haha, like cancer. Yeah. So it's like people digest things differently, bro. And long winded explanation to say people digest things differently and you can't tell people what they can't, what they really can and can't laugh at. And because you, and you, you can't say you can't always explain why.
So now is it appropriate to make jokes about everything all the time? Absolutely not. No. But that is why there are certain spaces literally created to do these things, because not everybody thinks the same way.
And people need to laugh at certain things. People need a laugh, because if not, we be watching Care Bears every day.
We be watching My Little Pony every day.
I can't. I like My Little Pony, but I can't watch this every day. No. Sometimes I need a Chappelle show in my life. You know what I'm saying? Joe Clayton. Sometimes I need a Clayton Bigsby because that's funny. A Boondocks who literally laughed at the black community and all that. And, like, it was satire. We need that. You know, Mike Myers, who. What is it? He did? He does, like, Canadian satire sometimes. So it's like, I mean, come on, man.
[00:52:51] Speaker B: And then Shrek is just universally funny.
[00:52:52] Speaker A: It's just universally funny. There you go. They laughed at Disney. So it's like, you know, we gotta laugh at each other. The problem is people take themselves way too seriously. Everybody's too insecure, and it's like, yo, man, like, listen, I get it, but get off your high horse. Yeah, that's it. At the end. At the end of the day, we need comedy, and we need. And it helps whoever helps.
[00:53:08] Speaker B: That's fantastic. Antonio, again, thank you so much for being here. As we're wrapping this up.
[00:53:12] Speaker A: Almost broke the chair.
[00:53:14] Speaker B: I'm sure you're fine. Any last little nugget that you want to share for the listening audience right now before we bring this podcast to a close?
[00:53:20] Speaker A: I guess I might as well plug my. My YouTube channel.
[00:53:22] Speaker B: Do it.
[00:53:22] Speaker A: I haven't. I haven't uploaded in a, like, a year.
What's it called? Ant Smash Productions on YouTube. Follow that. I did my podcast for a while. I pulled back for a moment because I had to. I got it. I'm not in a headspace still right now. Just be real. I'm just not there. But I did a lot of stuff on that, on that realm, not just the final message. Yeah, let's build.
You know, you can have a wall up, but let's not keep people out. Right? Yeah. So it's like, what is it? Build, build, build, build fences. Don't build walls. Yeah, that's what I say to that. And let's just give each other a chance here. And if you can't do it, then be real with yourself and, you know, step away. You can't take the heat. Get out the kitchen. That's Why I say today, Antonio, I appreciate you. Thank you, brother. Thank you for being here. Thank you. Thank you for doing this, bro. I appreciate it. Like, I didn't really. I didn't expect it to. Like, I didn't. I didn't see. I didn't. Bro. Bro. I didn't. Bro. When I saw that you. When that you got hired and all that, I was like, wait, what? Seriously? Yeah. And you didn't.
And I. You're not just doing Facebook anymore. You're not just doing ig. No. You're doing this. Yeah. And this is what people need this, bro. And I think a lot of people at the company do this because a lot of people want to do podcasts and they don't know where to start, or a lot of people don't want to seem repetitive. But you know what? In actuality, if you build it, they will come.
[00:54:40] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:54:41] Speaker A: If you know what you want to do and you seem like you know what you want to do just based on this. But that's another conversation.
It's happening.
[00:54:49] Speaker B: It's happening. There's going to be phenomenal stories out of this, and I really hope it really helps some people. Hope this helped you today. It was fantastic. This was deep.
[00:54:55] Speaker A: It felt nice, bro. I ain't going.
[00:54:56] Speaker B: Felt nice. Yeah.
[00:54:57] Speaker A: Cathartic, in a way.
[00:54:58] Speaker B: Well, hey, make sure that you tune in for all the episodes. Make sure that you check out Ant Smash Productions. You know, he's got great stuff out there. And I'm sure we'll probably have you back on again. Want you to be healthy. We're here to support you at the end of the day, be your best you. Thanks for listening.
[00:55:12] Speaker A: There you go, Sam.
